Recently I have been rereading, or I should say rerereading, “Zen and The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance” by Robert M. Pirsig. Setting aside the whole Inquiry Into Values thing I came across this interesting quote. The narrator is talking about how he doesn’t want his son, who may be developing mental illness, to be seen by a psychiatrist, because:
"I don’t know why—it’s just that—I don’t know—they’re not kin."—Surprising word, I think to myself never used it before. Not of kin—sounds like hillbilly talk—not of a kind—same root—kindness, too—they can’t have real kindness toward him, they’re not his kin -- . That’s exactly the feeling.
Old word, so ancient it’s almost drowned out. What a change through the centuries. Now anybody can be "kind." And everybody’s supposed to be. Except that long ago it was something you were born into and couldn’t help. Now it’s just a faked-up attitude half the time, like teachers the first day of class. But what do they really know about kindness who are not kin.
This is an interesting idea, that kin and kind have the same route, although when you think about it, it’s obvious. We say, “I like her. She’s my kind of people.” Or “You’re not welcome here. You’re not our kind.” In this case the word “kind” means “kindred” which is formed from the word “kin” and the Old English word “raedan” meaning to advise, because, at least in theory, it is to our family we turn to for advice. Regardless of whether it is the irritating cousin who pinches us or pulls our hair when auntie isn’t looking, or the granny who makes appalling racist remarks at the dinner table, we are expected to treat them in a kindly fashion because they are blood relations and we are supposed to help and support one another.
In Buddhism there is a similar concept. Bodhicitta is the realisation of Enlightenment for the benefit of others. Tibetan Buddhism considers that the first cause of awakening bodhicitta is “Seeing All Sentient Beings as One’s Mother.” This means that at one time or other since the beginning of beginningless time in numberless previous lives, all beings from Genghis Khan to Mahatma Gandhi have been our mother. And conversely, we have been mother to Adolph Hitler and Mother Teresa! To develop deep compassion, Buddhists recognise that the person who hates or injures you has been your mother and therefore we should cherish and respect them.
Obviously, what we are cherishing and respecting here is an ideal, in the same way as the advice we are taking from our kin is idealised, because I can certainly think of relatives whose advice I wouldn’t listen to and mothers who haven’t cherished and respected their own children as if they had been their mothers.
The important thing to hold in mind here is that although we are relating kindness to kin and compassion to our maternal relationship to all other beings, this kindness and compassion must be selfless.
There is research that shows that being charitable – showing kindness – to others makes us feel better. Doctor George Fieldman, a psychologist at Buckinghamshire New University, says “giving to charity partly makes you feel better because you’re in a group. You are also perceived as an altruist.”
However, if you are doing good in order to feel better, is it actually good you are doing? Two hundred and thirty years ago the Scottish economist and philosopher wrote in “The Wealth of Nations” that “it is not from the benevolence of the butcher, the brewer, or the baker, that we expect our dinner, but from their regard to their own self-interest.” He actually called this “Enlightened Self-Interest” because he argued that when someone pursued their self-interest under conditions of justice, he unintentionally does good for society as a whole. For example, he believed that self-interested competition in the free market benefits society by keeping prices low, at the same timecreating incentives for providing a wide variety of goods and services.
But it is important to examine the motive behind the action and be honest about it. If our actions spring from self-interest but benefit others then they are not compassionate or kind – they are unintended by-products. Within families we are kind, not because it benefits us (it often doesn’t), but because that is what families do.
It could even be argued that enlightened self-interest is actually simple selfishness. And “when selfish happiness is the only goal, life soon becomes goalless,” as the French novelist Romain Rolland wrote.
Good aikido technique cannot be selfish because that very selfishness gets in the way of good technique. If I want to throw my partner, then I am no longer engaged with him – I am focussed on my own wants and desires. If I allow the pain to continue at an intolerable level he will stiffen and resist, moving away and fighting against it. I might even assume that the stiffening is him attempting to resist and spoil my technique and apply it even harder. On the other hand, if my contact with him is sensitive enough, I can feel his reaction to the pain the technique has generated and moderate it accordingly to allow the technique to be completed.
The other thing kin teaches us is to act without expectation. We can spend days searching for the perfect anniversary gift for our parents only to have it dismissed with a few bland words that let us know they didn’t like it at all. Or turning up for a football match or music recital, all we do is sit there, and yet the beam on the face of our child when the see us fills our heart.We don’t know how our actions are going to be received, but our intent should always be the same. It is kindness.
In our Aikido techniques the intent should be the same – kindness. Kindness without expectation. And our response should be the same – it is always kindness.